Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
