Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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