Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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