I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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