Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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