Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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