Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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