allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
