I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
