Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
