i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
