he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
