Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
she told me i tasted like america
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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