Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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