this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This house was built for laser tag.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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