Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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