I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
