she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
