based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
