It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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