i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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