dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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