I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
