I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
