I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
