Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't put those talents on a resume
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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