i barfeds in our rink
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My life is pants optional.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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