im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My life is pants optional.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
