Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
