Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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