I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
