the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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