I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
