someone threw a dead crab at me
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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