i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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