I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
