I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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