I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a search helicopter?!
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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