I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
