Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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