my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's rum buckets o'clock
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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