tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
