I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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