i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
