Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
