Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
