gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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