I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
