Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
