sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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