Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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