I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
