At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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