oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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