I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
