so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
