i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
two words...techno handjob
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
