i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
