What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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